Funny?

Something super funny happen at NTUC today! I was at tiong ntuc buying some last min new year food and the queue was super long and there is this old man in the queue next to mine and he aS wearing a sunglasses. So I thought he was blind or sth and didn't pay attention him.. Be he keep moving with me stay right next to me-_- than I realize he was looking at me more like looking at my boobs-_- than when i look at him he turn away-_- and he look back after u look away!!! Fucking annoying!! Than just before I snap sth happen.. This huge man was walking through the queue and trip on his basket and fell on him and scolded him! Wahahahaha!!! Stare la stare somemore la!! Stare till forgot pay attention to life!! You shall pay the price!

What top was I wearing? The super low neck top the one that I wore to Changi and on the train back a guy was staring all the was from changi till a stop b4 tiong-_- yes I took sooo long to realize because goaty wait till than, than tell me-_- thanks!

I wonder why I only attract old man no matter what I wear... Not like I care because I can never like a guy again... Ever! Now I want perverted man who think of doing anything to me pay! I wan your soul to fall in to the deepest pit of hell! This is the price you for touching me! I want revenge! Especially that bastard who started this! I was 6! You will pay in hell! I shall be waiting there for you! To think I trusted you...

I think I wrote too much.... Oh well just don pay too much attention to what I write^^

Am I a slut for thinking this way.....

Truthfully speaking... Earning money off man is not that bad... You are treated like a princess! That will pamper you hold you like a gem pay for you movie, lunch and time... I know I sound like a slut saying all this but how many man can you get to do this for you? To always pamper and hold you like a princess... If it wasn't for what happen in my pass and the risk of the job... I don think I will mind.. But the me now is already broken by my childhood to even think of getting close to a guy.... I feel like puking... I feel like killing my life and ending this disgusting life and body.... I can't take it anymore... Everytime I was touch by a man I can't forget what happen... It was the most disgusting thing ever... I was destoryed since a child... Wan to know what happen? You will be scar for life... I am not worth it and I don need anymore pity... Just let me rot in my tears and blood!!

Am I a slut?... I just wants to be wanted by man.. Even my own dad don want to touch me.... Everything just keep adding on to how disgusting i feel my body is.... I want to be treasure for once... I was wrong...

A.S.H.

Too bad a.s.h no longer exist...

Just sth I found when visiting a.s.h achive....


"The darkness is death - we can speak, but we are not heard. We can scream but they turn their backs. We can run, but we cannot catch them. It is the dream where arms and legs won't work they way they should, and the air is too thick to breathe. Loved ones walk a mile ahead, forgetting to stop as we fall behind. This is the reality of the darkness. We are buried alive inside ourselves. "
- Dana-Christene Umanetz

re: My quiz result...

I saw this on a pro depression lj so I tot I do it too... It look intresting and tons of other did it.....

*How long have you been cutting? Six years

And do you actually want to stop? i dont know...

Why/Why not? it feels like part of me now, it's like a release of pain... Like people going for walks or eat when they feel hurts I just cut... It makese feel better.. If i stop
I will just keep feeling pain int heart...

Do you cut lines or words? lines, never words.. Too depress to even think to words to cut...

Have you ever taken a pic of it? yes... For unknown reason I do... It just feel like I have to take it...

Do you have any rituals? Not sure.. I usually cuts, take tons of photo than, shower/sleep....

What do you like best about cutting? it feels good... Till
the cuts heal and stop bleeding...

Are you ashamed to be a cutter? In the past not really... Till recently my mum found out and starts giving me the digusted look when depression or cutting is mention.. And she always make me hide my cuts till it heal...

What do you use to cut? Penknife blades... Just the blades.. When
even grabbing the blades in my hand hurt me it makes me feel better...

Are you happy with what you use to cut? no, I want someting sharper! Something that can cut deep enough to not only leave a scar..

Have you been diagnosed with anything? severe depression, but still waiting to see the psych for long term diagnosis... My mum stop my session because she I insist I am lying... But it's ok! I don't want any unknown people to bother me anyway... They don even really care! They just gave warning and drugs!

Do you self diagnose? No.

Are you on medication? yes, but i dont take it anymore... What's the point!

Do you self medicate? No..Unless cutting counts... It makes me feel really good! Even better than the medication!

Ever been in a psych hospital? No...
What for/ how long? -

Have you tried to commit suicide? yes! Drug overdose.. Jumping off building(when I wad really really young.. Too stupid to work!) cutting veins.. Cutting neck...

Do you still have those thoughts? Of cause!

Have you ever needed stitches? No.. No matter how bad my cuts it I avioding hospital.. They just gave me all kind of injection...

Are you afraid that one time you might slice too deep? No... I want to die...

Has anyone ever stopped being your friend because they found out about your cutting? No.. I don't have much friend anyway.. Tons of digusted look though...

What happened with that? Nothing.. They just laugh an call me crazy... And see me as digusting...

What is your worst experience related to cutting? My mum wad called down to the hospital and I was nearly sent to the emergency room by an ambulance.... And people keep asking me why don I just stop... They never understand it's my brain... I can't just stop! This is a mental illness..

What has been your best experience related to cutting? a couple of people have being really supportive....

Would you ever do sadomasochistic stuff like getting your partner to cut you and vice versa? no i wouldnt ever touch anyone else! And i wouldn't let anyone cut me either!

Do you fantasize about hurting others in anyway? no

If yes, how? -

And would you like to really do it in real life? -
(Do you think you would?) -

Thought about killing someone? no

Do you dream of that? no

Could you do it? no

Tell us something we don't know about yourself: i wish i wasn't so scared... Wasn't so hurt.. That I someday can be free from pain... And I don't see anything wrong with cutting.. Not like I am dead yet... So it's not so bad...

Don't judge me base on my answer to those question!

Dear daddy....

Why does it hurt so much when I received money from you... Why can't you just care for once instead of just shoving me cash... I don't think I can ever learn any other way of feeling loved other than having tons and tons of cash handed to me... No matter how demanding I am no matter what I did you never cared! Everytime I smash a phone you replace it... Everytime I destory a expensive electronic you replace it! 2 laptop non of it I use for more than a month and a 3 week old itouch all destory and you never ask why! Never question! NEVER BOTHER!! Why is the baby more important than me why is she always in your arm... I was never like that when I was young! Why do you just hand me things when you feel bad for me... Why don you ever care... Daddy... What did I ever did wrong.... Why are you drifting further and further away from me.... You never accept my present, be it fathers day or birthday... You never reply my wishes... What did I ever done wrong...

Daddy... I am sorry... Happy birthday....

Please just care about me for once.... Even thought this is a plead but why does it feel like I am whining.... Why does it hurt this badly... Why can't I hold back my tears more... I am hiding in the corners of my bed crying again...

Just one last rant! It's an ancient story about me.. But it felt so much better finally saying it out:)

Ok so it was only yesterday that inpeomise no war on blog and no bitching! But this is not bitching!! It the truth... The truth than no one listen to..

I was watching a show and this girl parent was getting a divorce and her cousin that she hates told all her friends... Wow! Hurts right? Wait till you hear my story!!

Before I got sever depression I found out my dad had a wife outside and a son.. And he is having a divorce with her for anothe woman! Also my dearest daddy that wasn't always with me he didn't want me anymore. Bla, bla, bla! So I got depress. And I was crying to this friend about all this and I was like "I don't care anymore" cause I was in a mess! And I really don't want to care about what he do anymore!

So guess what happen next! She was all ok ok ok! Than a few day later the new about my dad spread to the whole class!! Ohh especially the popular annoy bully group! They were like the first she told! No wonder I spread out! How I know? I have my own connection too!!

Plus of cause I need to confirm this right! So I asked her and guess what! She was all
"I did not do anything wrong! You are just stupid" posture and looks all over her face and reply me this " you said you don't care anymore!" and she rolled her eyes! Of cause I was speechless and left... At the lowest point of my life I was betray by my dad and stab in the back by my best friend! Sweet is it? And you people out there wonder why I don trust anyone!

So? How do you feel after reading my story? Is it worst that a person you hurt spread about your parent divorce or you best friend that you cry too in your lowest point of your life spreading it to gain popularity? Ya I know! My life is so fucked up...

Headphone and tutorials!

I can believe it! I am so fickle minded! I claim that I love that skullcandy ti whatever headphone and I will die for it,bla, bla! But now when I finally have the money! Guess what! I saw someone have the real thing out if the box and it's super fugly!! I actually did a double take to realise it was the one I wanted when I saw a girl have it on the train! I was like omg! that headphone is so ugly than I look again super hard and I realize it was the skullcandy I wanted!! No wonder not many people wear it out even though it was sold out everywhere!! I swear it look wayy better in the box-_-

so what am I going to do with the money now?? I am going to get my old audio-tech button head phone!! I think I can get one in every colour sia! Skullcandy us so ex!!! Btw,THANKS MUMMY FOR MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT... More like money-_- u never recieved present b4 only money... Anyway other than getting my SINGLE audio-tech headphone!(yes! I am only buying 1 I am not crazyly rich k! And I only have one pair or ear-_-)


oh yes, and I am gonna make a tutorial^^ well 2 actually, the stupid rainbow cupcake only need egg whites! I hate recipes that only use egg whites! What am I suppose to do with the yolks!!

Anyway stay tune for my rainbow cupcake tutorial and pudding tutorials! It's gonna look soo cute! (well if u don blow up the cupcake and burn down the house thething should be up soon!)

ohh and yes! I promise I shall make my blog less violence and no more fighting and "f-words" I cross my heart and...*choke*! *chlough*..may..*cough*..be...I still wan type f-words...-_- *cough* *cough!* ahem!!! Well that's all^^ if I don end this post soon it shall never end-_-

Reviving friendship

Ok yesterday I read a article online on how to revive a friendship.. Well i have to know what to do since I apologise and wasn't forgiven.. Plus I was bored!

And this is what the article said:

Apologize. So you two didn't part on the best terms, eh? Had a fight? Ouch. This can be the worst way to regain a friendship, and the hardest one to revive. This requires far more than an invite to a movie. You, again, must be the one to make the move. If you really want them back, then it won't be that hard. Take a deep breath, pick up the phone, (or depending on the circumstances, approach them) and apologize. Try something like, "Hey, George, I'm really sorry about that argument we had. Want to come over later?" If you already know that they'll probably turn up their nose and walk away, come up behind them and try giving a warm hug. Try, "Sally, you know, I've felt stupid all week because of that dumb argument I started on Wednesday. I'm so sorry. Will you please come over tonight?" If neither of these techniques work, then perhaps the other person just won't want to be friends. If you've tried all you can, let go.

Look at the second last line( from if neither), it said it all!! So I shall let those bitches rot to death on their own since they don't matter anymore!! Bet you are really happy too bitches!!

Ohh and here is the link that gave such good advice!!http://m.wikihow.com/Revive-a-Friendship

Past? Fuck it!

All you ever do is complain complain complain about how I just keeps fighting with you!! FUCK YOU!! I apologised and you ignore me and now you CLAIM I am the
one who contuine to fight with you?! HA HA HA! How funny!! Haven't you hear of the phrase it takes two hand to clap!! What are you! Dumb!

Than again it's not like we have a happy friendship in the past! Betrayal, bitching, backstabing you done it all! Just cause I never confronted you doesn't mean I dunno about it! Since there is nothing to go back to and I apologised already! It was you who refuse to start over so quit harping about it!! We can't go back if we keep fighting!! so what! I don wanna go back and it not like you accepted my apologies anyway!! No one can ever go back cause there is no such thing as reliving the past again!!

Bye bye guilt and asshole!!

I just watch a vid on YouTube that say in order to be happier in 2011 you should first stop living in guilt and feel bad for what you did since you can't change it! I get angry first later that day accidently did sth I regret!(<- the two things that happen is unrelated issue!) I Fuck swear it accident!! SO FOR THOSE I SNAP AT, at anytime of my life... I AM NO LONGER GOING TO FEEL BAD! CUZ I FELT BAD LONG ENOUGH &U DON FORGIVE ME FOR WHAT I DID EVEN THOUGH I SAID SORRY FOR LIKE A MILLION TIME! YOU EVEN GOSSIP SHIT ABOUT ME! PLUS U DID STH TO ANGER ME FIRST THATS WHY I GOT ANGRY!NOT LIKE I SCOLDED YOU OR ANYTHING!! SO FUCK YOU! Omg I felt better already!!